Pilkerton's Prognostications

This blog contains some of my past articles for the school newspaper and other musings I feel like posting. Beware liberals!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

True Hero Lost


I must admit that I am writing this on the verge of tears. We?ve lost a hero - a man whose unmistakable figure shaped the minds and haunted the souls of generations. A man who stood tall in the twilight of his life, this man . . . John Ritter.
One must ask why the Great Magnet would torture us so. Television has suffered a grave loss, dear citizen: no opportunity for a Three?s Company reunion. I?m not sure if one can truly imagine a world where Suzanne Sommers, John Ritter, the other woman, and Don Knotts cannot ever reunite to soothe the souls of America.
Sitting in class, I heard the news from a respected colleague of mine, and as my heart sank, a visibly distraught woman in my class voiced her true sadness over this grievous event. At that moment I realized that she is America, her quavering voice and fragile, television-nurtured soul had suffered a terrible loss. I realized that this was much more that Jack Tripper dying. This was the loss of a true entertainment dynamo. Not since the loss of the Ultimate Warrior(s), Telly Savales or Mr. Belding (at least symbolically) has the television junkie been dealt such a harsh blow.
The television aficionado will need time to heal, friends. I demand Seinfeld repeats ten fold in order to comfort the fragile fool.
What we as a society need is not world peace, universal health care, racial equality, or even the still-dripping, bloody head of a Saddam Hussein impersonator: we need a brave soul to step up and fill the role of Uberstar. We need someone who can successfully propel network sitcoms to a level of mediocrity never seen before. I don?t know who this savior could be, perhaps Doogie Howser, Dustin Diamond or even Bob Saget could fill these shoes.
God help us, my compatriots, if we cannot find someone to fill the half-hour void left in our lives from this horrid event, then we might have to resort to unacceptable measures. We may have to read a book or the newspaper. We may have to do something that could result in the attainment and/or advancement of knowledge!
Until then, my grieving brothers and sisters, heal thyself, take solace in the new season of "Smallville" and never forget the spectre of this man. He may not be the Big Bopper, but his loss echoes similarly in the hearts of all men.
Oh yeah, Johnny Cash died too.


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