A christmas message to all

(12/1/04)

Merry Christmas everyone, yes, with the ritual reminder of our glorious slaughter of the Indians out of the way we turn our eyes to the most awesome incarnation of Capitalism known to civilized man: Christmas. If you happen to have the displeasure of working in the retail sector it has been Christmas for nearly 2 months now, but fear not, the rest of the population is celebrating with us now and there is no doubt it'll be jolly for all.
I must admit that somewhere deep in my black heart there is a soft spot for Christmas. Sometime around the 20th or so I begin to take great pleasure in seeing tastefully decorated homes and hearing classic holiday songs on the radio or blasting out of mall speakers. I accept none of this contemporary Christmas music; I am a straight up classic man, only making an exception for Sinatra's interpretations, going no further up the timeline than that. What Mariah Carey, P. Diddy, or Peter Frampton have to say about Christmas is nonsense to me. Give me the crack-addicted Judy Garland or the soulful crooning of the Chipmunks any day of the week, and no, I'm not joking.
Getting back on track I must admit to becoming increasingly more resentful of people each and every Christmas. Every December we are inundated with news items concerning the ridiculous whining of certain people about traditional holiday celebrations. I don't think there is one person out there who truly gives a damn if a Jewish family has a menorah in the window or if a Catholic family has a nativity scene painted on the side of their trailer. I know I don't speak for everyone, but who is that disturbed by a neighbor's harmless decorations that they protest or, if feeling motivated, burn them down?
What we lack in this overly politically sensitive country is the essential message of Christmas. It is not to shun the beliefs of others or to press your beliefs upon anyone else; it is to spend money and aid in the recovery of the economy. This is a season for fiscal merriment, my good friends, and neighbors, allow yourself to splurge on that Frankincense you've had your eye on or buy some Mur for that special woman in your life. Christmas is a powerful affirmation of the joys of capitalism. Nowhere else in the world do you see this kind of enjoyment for a once-sacred holiday (based on pagan rituals and celestial events). I ask you, my Islamic brothers and sisters, have you ever decorated your homes for Ramadan? I think not. Have you Buddhists ever put animatronic deer in your Zen gardens and decorated your banzai trees with flashing lights? Do Hindus sing the tale of 'Rudi the red-nosed Bovine'? Nay, it is only here in America, where we (officially) have no state religion that we turn Christmas in to a glitzy, musically accompanied celebration of the mighty dollar. Complain all you will, but when you're at the mall, fighting your way through the herds to find that good enough gift that fits the budget for the cousin you seldom see or toss a child aside to get the last pastel blue ipod for your brother, you feel merry and warm all over. There is something inherently jovial about being followed to your parking spot and then sitting in the car for ten minutes for spurn your stalker. Christmas is truly a time for joy.
Some may disagree with me and jabber on about how Christmas has nothing to do with presents or capitalism, but give no heed to these blasphemers, chances are that they are simply cheap and prefer eternal salvation to the hypnotic myth of Santa Claus. Of course if you feel as if salvation is worth the hour mass then by all means fi ll your soul with the good Lord's word, but leave room for eggnog and candy canes after you receive the sacrament. Think about it, the good Lord would love Christmas in America if he came back to check on things. Who would deny mall Santas groping trusting children or wearing sweaters with giant snowflakes on them. In closing, cheer up, people, it's Christmas. Christmas means a million things in our time so enjoy them all. Buy gifts for those you love and those you want to impress. I tend to buy myself a few things to get warmed up for this joyous noel. Let's stop the arguing and intolerance, let everyone, regardless of religious denomination, enjoy the might of this economic frenzy. Be outlandish in your spending, there is no place for frugality on my Christmas list. Nothing tarnishes your image like poor gift giving. When feeling stressed about the holiday, sit back and relax and know that you are in what Hunter Thompson would refer to as the 'vortex of the American dream.' This is what it's all about, folks. Keep the little hot dogs warm and ring up tremendous debt, if you're going to do the job, do it right.