The future of the Southern News

(5/11/05)

As I'm sure those who care already know, this is the last issue of this year's Southern News. Its staff of merry men and women will now step aside, rise, or fall in the ranks and the newspaper will take on a different cast next semester.
This particular columnist has his sights set on Opinions Editor.
I can assure you, my loyal fans, that if I'm sworn in to this position, the voices of all students will be heard, unless of course you are just a stupid person and don't deserve to waste my air when using it to create stupid words. Aside from this small portion of the student body, I will encourage everyone to submit their musings for the entire campus to read.
There is a thrill that comes with weekly publication and, if you play your cards right, you may even become a minor celebrity in some circles.
Since this is the last issue of the Southern News, I must thank my Editors for the past year for allowing me to write my little rants every week for these two semesters. Mark Prokop, editor of the Opinions section, a painfully liberal young man destined for an unfulfilling life of raising awareness to issues that will never change. His dedication to pleading against society's ills is legendary, as is his audience of pot-smoking, undriven young men and women who will all be Republicans once they get a real job. He has allowed me to do what I want and hand it in at the last minute every single week for the past year and I do seriously applaud him for his patience.
The next target is the Editor of the Southern News, Kevin Miner. No one on campus during my time here has fought as hard as this young man to get his or her snout in the public trough. He is a local celebrity and can often be seen cavorting with National Guardsmen and women. While this young man is Naderesque in his calls for public awareness, little does the student body know that in his spare time he eats children and fornicates with the dead.
We should all be glad King Miner and his evil conspirators are moving on. While it will be sad to see him go, I propose the university extend and invitation to next year's career fair to Mr. Miner. After all, it isn't a party until Miner rolls up on his bike. Kevin Miner has done an exceptional job as editor of the Southern News and it is a shame that the majority of students on this campus don't realize how much effort this talented young man has put in to the publishing of his albatross every week. No one I've ever met has the memory of Governor Miner and the university is losing a real journalist, not just an asshole with a flair for the spotlight.
I?ve done my part for the past year and a half to spread the alternative message of Republican politics on this liberal campus. I have no idea if I've changed anyone's mind or if more than a handful of people read this column every week, but if you have, I thank you for your time and I promise to keep venting next semester. Hopefully I'll have an even larger pulpit from which to preach and rant next semester. While I find it difficult to overcome the prospect that the majority of this campus consists of young men and women who are mindnumbingly vacant and have little hope for intelligent thought at any time during their lives. I know I'm not alone in lamenting this fact, but fear not, good readers, I will recruit those who will change the ignorant masses with me and take over this place.
I will stop at nothing to dominate public opinion on this campus and I will install whoever is friendly to the cause to aid me in my takeover. I find inspiration in the tenacity of Senator Miner, but I am not as visible as him so I'll prove to be a better candidate for turning this university in to my own, private, bullhorn from which I will propel my own career.
For the time being I'm sure I can keep my readers and myself busy ranting and raving about things like the ineffective and unpatriotic Democrats, the blossoming situation in Russia (who wouldn't want the prosperity of another Cold War?), and any other bumps in the road along the way. Hopefully I have entertained you this semester and my only goal is to one day reach the top of that literary mountain on campus where only people like Dan Urban and Ryan Farrington reside.
Godspeed good citizens and may you all have a prosperous break.
I would like to extend that wish to one person in particular, Ms. Heather Awner. This young woman is a model for us all; she is a political moderate (to my knowledge) who is also a veteran of this Iraq war. Ms. Awner has reupped for duty and will be leaving in June for Georgia where she will be based until further notification.
I applaud her patriotism and her character, she is as beautiful as she is intelligent and we all should wish her luck and safe passage on her future endeavors, whatever they may be.
On that note, enjoy your breaks and I will be back next semester filled with new and more scathing critiques of the left and of the ridiculous of the current state of our society.