Back in the USSR

(5/11/05)

It appears this week that Vladimir Putin has been reading up on his Pasternak and it's made him get all weepy for the good old days. With President Bush in town trying to lay the Democratic smack down on his ass, one wonders about the fate of Russia in the very near future. As we see good old Vladimir morphing in Josef Stalin before our eyes, we wonder about what his intentions truly are. This generic Russian James-bond type, KGB man's very appearance mirrors the stereotype Soviet villain in any film made between October 1957 and January 1991.
While I would like to believe this man has nothing but good intentions, I am a child of television and television says that Russians are bad.
The geopolitical atmosphere in Europe has become strikingly similar to that of WWII, complete with French cowards, German fascists in the Vatican, Russian?s with an aversion to democracy, and of course, the Brits who serve as the lapdogs of their American overlords.
This situation will become unstable, it always does in these parts, and we will see these countries acting in their own interests and bucking those of the EU as well as the global community. Bismarck famously predicted that a world war would be caused by a conflict in the Balkans, and I can't help but think that this situation is mirrored today. War will come because of some vital European cog such as Latvia or Belarus, dare I say it, perhaps even Estonia.
Indeed, beware, good citizens, let us keep our eyes on those red bastards. We must turn our collective consciousness towards this fragile part of the world and wonder what we would indeed do if another Cold War descended upon us.
I ask you one thing my friends and fellow patriots, how can we be sure that this whole fall of Communism thing isn't some Soviet ploy to lull us in to a false complacency only to see them strike against us in a Red Dawn-esque act of brilliant military strategery? I for one believe this whole-heartedly and welcome our sickle and hammer wielding brothers? challenge. I believe that this world, ridden with terrorists and pedophiles needs a conflict that invokes fear and is fought with conventional means. I want to see my billion dollar battleships and alien derived technology at work. I shit upon the idea of a war taking place where some religious zealot straps an M-80 to a donkey and runs in to a Falluja Starbucks. This shames the fine military tradition of our nation, a tradition that was built upon gunning down poorly armed Native Americans with technology thousands of years more advanced that the sharpened rocks they threw at their invaders. I want a gentleman's war, one where dapper officers smoke cigars and plan their genocidal strikes with a snifter full of brandy.
This world needs another showdown between civilized nations. We all know the Democrats desperately want another competing superpower in the world because they cannot stand the idea of one nation holding all the cards. I happen to prefer the current arrangement where the United States reigns supreme, I have no time for this United Nations inspired nonsense where everyone is supposed to sit around and sing songs and mediate disputes. I yearn for the days of the duel, where an injured party could seek to be recompensed by simply stating that they ?seek their satisfaction?. The dispute would be settled in a timely and efficient fashion, one party would be slain and the other would not, problem solved.
If the duel was good enough for Alexander Hamilton, the architect of our nation's financial structure, then by Jove, it is good enough for me.
Another great war would also have a positive outcome on this country's economy. Does anyone reading this in the state of Connecticut really want to see the livelihood of our sub-mariner brethren compromised simply because Al-Qaeda cannot build a vessel worthy of target practice for the hallowed Seawolf? Nay, only nation-states can field a challenge worthy our grossly inflated military budget. If I am going to live in a nation where our defense budget is five times that of the rest of the world combined, I want to see it at work. I have no problem living in a society that robs from the poor and elderly to support our war machine and the luxuries of the rich. Imagine the technological advances that would be made by such a conflict, we would be able to fulfill the promise of Back to the Future and quiet the whining masses of the globe in one deciding blow.
You may dismiss these as the ravings of a right-wing cultural elitist, and perhaps you are correct.
But I for one will gladly trade any sense of fuzzy well being that you myopic ultraleftists get from your foolish dreams of multinational harmony for the self satisfaction I will get when the international workers revolution claims another domino such as Honduras or Belize. I will gladly look the other way as the Europeans whine yet again as long as I know that my banana supply is safe. And in the end I believe this new world order will be a benefit to us all. Ask yourselves this: Can we afford to be wrong?