Pilkerton's Prognostications

This blog contains some of my past articles for the school newspaper and other musings I feel like posting. Beware liberals!

Friday, February 10, 2006

University offers programs for everyone


The Southern News headquarters is a very collegiate place: stickers of miscellaneous local bands, obscure pictures printed off the internet frame the walls, the foul odor of leftist propaganda clings to everything, and fl yers of all the latest Southern happenings litter mailboxes and desks. It was one of these fl yers I picked up on this fateful morning.
Copied on to festive orange paper of a medium grade it reads 'FUN in the FALL 2005' and lists the events on campus from September to December.
Like many of you, I routinely walk on by the university propaganda, but now that I'm offi cial I take a gander at the contents of the colored flyers.
Getting to the point, what in the name of the Great Magnet is the point of half the nonsense listed as university events? And who is coming up with, and allowing this abortion of fee dollars? Is it SGA, or is it incredibly foolish faculty? I cannot imagine who in their right mind would say 'yeah, I'm sure the kids will love playing Bingo.' Maybe I've lived a sheltered collegiate life, but I recall a 30 pack and scantily clad women being the usual entertainment for the evening, not bingo and shuffleboard. When seeing these advertisements I feel as if I go to school aboard a senior citizen cruise ship. Perhaps we'll even get free Depends undergarments instead of condoms this week! Being a man of reason and intellect, I would imagine that these events are the result of the politically correct lobbying forces on campus. We must at least look as if we are trying to please everyone at all times.
Thus is the reason we have the tragic story of Cambodian refugees one day and the riveting public speaking of Chuck D the next. I personally cannot wait to hear the tale of transgender Pygmies with SARS. What a treat it will be.
Have we truly brainwashed ourselves enough to believe anyone really appreciates the garbage entertainment that is thrown at us? Perhaps I would see things differently if I hadn't missed 'What Happy Faces Are Hiding,' a discussion about fighting depression. Come on, everyone, we're smarter than that. This university has money to burn, ask SGA what they spend their money on and they'll tell you some nonsense like gum removal or something of that ilk. I appreciate that the school is trying, but this school, like most institutions of 'learning' is caught up in the political correctness that comes with a state bureaucracy.
We are obsessed with making people feel warm and fuzzy and the temptation to waste money is simply too great to adhere to common sense and choose events based on mass appeal.
I'm sure that the six people on campus that see Chuck D and KRS One as enriching pubic speakers are really in heaven, but the other 10, 000 or so of us could really care less. In fact, I'm fairly certain that SCSU may be the only source of income for the once-mighty KRS One. I'm also fairly certain that the luster of a Psychic show dulls after the 8th performance of the year.
I'm uncertain what direction to go when it comes to suggesting events, and I admit that the arbiters of good taste that head up whatever bullshit committee it is that decides such things have a tough job, I can't imagine that finding something a tad more universal than the harrowing tale of Cambodian genocide, as told by Loung Ung doesn't exactly hit the mark on general appeal.
As the Chancellor of the College Republicans I am planning on having Congresswoman Nancy Johnson and Congressman Christopher Shays on campus this semester to talk with students. Again, perhaps it is the myopic, evil voice of a Republican talking, but I would imagine that the words of Congressmen would be a tad more attractive than the musical stylings of generic jazz artist or pianist, all playing their renditions of the Weather Channel's 5 day forecast.
Again, I find myself most likely preaching to the converted.
I?m certain that things will not be fixed here, nay, instead they will steadily decline until every single person on this campus has their own specifi c day for entertainment.
I can see it now, 'Scratching The Itch: Recovering Alcoholics with Leprosy.' Perhaps the normal student will be thrown a kernel of entertainment from time to time, but don't hold out for anything intellectually stimulating anytime soon. Instead we will all be in awe of yet another former Nazi who's seen the light or another Def Comedy Jam to bring joy to all of Southern. Godspeed, good readers, perhaps we'll angrily protest bingo or this year's spineless mob informant.
Whatever we do, stand up for good taste and fight the politically correct garbage we're being tied down and force-fed by this university.


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